Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
classic mixup
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Trains are just sideway elevators.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown