If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
being a writer on Twitter:
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.