Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.