older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill