Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”