ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah