I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.