Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Whisper out to librarians!
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
These aren’t even hard anymore.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.