I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.