please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so