The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
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You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.