*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
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Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Cheers Twitter.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.