A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Ha
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first