kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
be careful
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.