Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
adding to the discourse
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Current mood: Potato
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total