[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.