“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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me
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.