Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.