Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket