you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Matt Goss
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.