[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
lmao
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.