FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
oh my gosh!!
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Breaking news:
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
classic mixup
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)