Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel