Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
You Might Also Like
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”