“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I am having an out of money experience.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
These are my roll models.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Ugh but profoundly
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.