Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
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Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Teach your children to beatbox
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
“you recording!?”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.