My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
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My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Bloody internet 😳
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]