Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
The glory of fall.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.