From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
They’re not wrong
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Not😆🤣
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.