The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
You Might Also Like
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.