4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Never forget.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*