A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.