Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
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A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.