[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
sir, my pâté if you please
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.