Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.