Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!