Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
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Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.