Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”