Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
next question.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
motivation
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
guys I’m going home
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds