People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
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People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I wish I could veto my bills.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.