Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
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I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
*aggressively waits in line*
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.