We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.