BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
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[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
how much does a mortician urn in a year
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Phonetics
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.