In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*