Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
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*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Ape together strong
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay