I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
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Wednesday
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
This is my favorite one of these!
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.