My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
You Might Also Like
I was up all night reading about insomnia
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
How to woo a woman
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday