[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
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Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
every single time
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”