I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
The Punning Dead.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Body by cheese-puffs.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.