There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
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Saturday
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
How high do the levels go?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.